Battersea Lions – AFC Cubo

Date: Saturday 10th December, 2011

Starting Line-Up: Stewart, Lye, Ingle, Dallamore, Adabadze, Tett (C), Jeph, Lucas, Field, May, Hennerz.

The baby blue army arrived at a chilly Raynes Park in buoyant mood following their confident victory over old foes Merton in their previous outing and the vibe was further heightened by the knowledge that they got to wear the new kit for the second match in succession.

It was also a team with a sense of unfamiliar familiarity as the previous attacking three of May, Field and Hennerz once again played ahead of the quickly gelling duo of Jeph and Lucas. The midfield welcomed back crowd favourite Greg “Hollywood” Tett who took the skippers armband and the defence was bolstered by Mark Dallamore who slipped in alongside Ingle at the heart of the defence.

Cubo started on the front foot and quickly found that passing rhythm which is fast becoming a hallmark of their play. With the midfield three easily creating space by using the extra man and finding Hennerz and Field who hugged the touchlines stretching the Battersea back four. This movement and speed of play was once again spearheaded by May up top by himself who was running the channels and causing problems early on.

A decent exchange of passes down the right flank involving Field, Lucas and May drew a foul in a dangerous area of the pitch for Cubo. Lucas whipped a left foot cross over which somehow evaded the melee of players attacking it, and as the ball rolled tantalisingly along the line May did what all good strikers do best, got a toe end to it and claimed the goal. 1-0 Cubo.

What followed however was not a re-ignited show of pressure from Battersea Lions as they chased down the lead, but instead more ‘Ole’ football from a confident Cubo. Field was finding space down the right and lollypopping past the hapless left back and Hennerz was pulling out some flamboyant turns of his own on the left. Jeph, Tett and Lucas were ticky-tacking the ball around the midfield and May came close with a curled right footed shot from the left of the box – “oooh what a bender”

The pressure told when the ball was held up down the left flank by Hennerz, who cut back and fed Lucas 20 yards out. The man rumoured to be named after the creator of the Star Wars dynasty sent the defender the wrong way, presumably by using Jedi mind tricks, and shifted the ball onto his less favoured right foot which suddenly became “more powerful than you could possibly imagine” as the ball flew past the Battersea keeper. 2-0 Cubo.

At this the crowd (mainly subs of both sides, a few on-lookers and a group of Animal Rights activists who had turned up following a mis-print on the match day program and thinking they were confronting a gang called ‘Batter Sealions’) went crazy. And as the slick football continued, backed up by very assured defending from the Cubo backline, they broke into a samba style sing-song – appearing to personalize a version of the 1979 Gibson Brothers’ hit single “Cuba”.

Despite all of this, and with Gaz Stewart seing less of the action than Jim McGoewn after 10pm at a Cubo Christmas party, Battersea were suddenly granted a lifeline. With ten minutes to go in the first half a rare Lions corner seemed to have been dealt with at the near post when the ref inexplicably pointed to the spot claiming a push on the Battersea player. Both teams looked bemused by the decision, but the Battersea striker stepped up and side footed it home. Half time, 2-1.

A spirited half time team talk re-focused the minds of the Cubo boys who knew that a third goal would surely kill this contest. Despite this they had to weather an initial storm from the opposition who threw everything at them in the opening minutes of the half. Their Beowolf look-a-like central midfielder was suddenly getting on the ball and finding the tricky front men. But to their credit, the line of Lye, Dullamore, Ingle and Adabadze held firm, and but for a looped cross to the back post that forced a smart save from Stewart in goal, there were no scares.

The third goal killed the game as expected and it came from a likely source. Once again a ball down the left found Hennerz, who once again cut back and found Lucas who – if this was Pro Evo – was quite clearly “on a red” in this game. This time he opted for his favoured left foot and unleashed a strike, which dipped and swerved into the far top corner. Think David Silva for Valencia vs Chelsea at Stanford Bridge in the Champions League. A definite contender for goal of the season.”Tick a boo son, tick a boo.”

Cubo knew that the game as a contest was over, but the vast array of attacking talent on display started to smell blood. Jeph who had been a constant menace in the centre of the pitch all game began driving into the box with increasing regularity. Some more great play down the right from Field and May saw a ball crossed over and it was the newest addition to the Cubo ranks who soared highest to nod it in off the underside of the crossbar. 4-1 Cubo.

A breakaway consolation by Battersea was quickly cancelled out as some more neat passing saw Jeph released again behind the defence, and after shrugging off the attentions of the centre back he steered the ball calmly home into the bottom right hand corner of the net. 5-2 Cubo.

The final whistle blew to jubilant scenes from the Cubo boys who had exhibited the perfect balance of work rate, structure, flair and finishing to punish the more than decent Battersea Lions team.

They go into the Christmas break two points off top spot and with every right to think they should be challenging for the title this year. If this side stays together, and continues to play this way the rest of the league should be worried.

Final Score: Battersea Lions 2-5 AFC Cubo 3rd XI

Goals: Lucas x2, Jeph x2, May

Man of the Match: Goes to Lukas who was obviously bouyed by Little Mix making it into the Xfactor live final and the prospect of a night out in Funky Buddha that night. He has settled into this team very well.

Match Report: Hennerz

Date: September 17th, 2pm KO

Starting Line-up: Bianchi, Revill, Rosoman, Jones, Dallamore, Hooper, Tett, Brain, Harding, Lendrum, Griffith

Subs: Ingle, Neville, Smith

The scene was set; the sun was out, the new kit had arrived and Henry had gelled his hair.

Cubo 3s took to the pitch on the back of a thrilling 4-3 season-opening win, full of confidence and with a strong team.

It was the 3’s first game at the fortress Barn Elms and it was a sell-out crowd; Lenny’s fiancée and brother boozing under a tree watching the rugby and Kilner Jnr, having a day off from his hectic badminton schedule.

The opponents for Cubo’s first home game was Battersea Lions, who finished third last season narrowly missing out on promotion.

The two sides differed in their approaches to the warm-up; the Lions opted for a varied selection of drills in carefully marked out areas, whilst the Baby Blue Army elected to walk around and complement each other on how good they looked in their shiny new attire.

Captain and club lothario Rob Jones lost the toss (deliberately, of course) and Cubo were forced to play the first half into the sun and the wind.

A lively start to the game saw Cubo playing some neat and tidy football in patches, but too infrequently, and it wasn’t long before striker Chris Lendrum’s girlfriend was engrossed in her wedding magazine and planning his plight from society.

The first real incident saw the Lions skipper attempt to thread a through-ball, only for Jones to cover across and draw the foul from the attacker. This sadly was the premature end to the skipper’s afternoon, as the awkward fall aggravated an ankle injury sustained in a pre-season friendly. This was a huge loss to the team, in skill, morale, bants and aesthetics.

Centre-midfielder Gregg Tett was forced to drop into to cover Jones at centre-back with Jimmy Ingle coming off the bench to play alongside Tom Hooper in the middle of the park.

Except from a few hopeful long balls from Battersea which were easily dealt with, Cubo began to apply pressure with the speedy Seb Brain especially dangerous on the right flank.

However, it was a swift move down the left with 30 minutes on the clock when the breakthrough came. Ingle, latched on to a Lendrum flick-on and broke into the box. The 29-year-old pulled the ball back perfectly into the path of Jordan Griffith who finished with aplomb into the bottom right corner for his second in two games.

Not content with a one goal lead, Cubo continued their high pressure game. Chris Revill, filling in at right-back, and Hooper both began to work well with Brain on the right wing, a combination that constantly created openings and half chances for the home side.

And it was five minutes before the break when Cubo’s intensity paid off. Lendrum, effortlessly controlled the ball in the box with his chest, flicked the ball over the on-rushing defender before striking straight at the keeper from six-yards. Fortunately, the ball fell kindly and the binge-drinking, chain-smoking, personal trainer toe-poked it into the roof of the net to double his side’s lead.

After a relaxed team-talk, partly because the usually irate and nonsensical captain Matt Turner was on a tennis holiday, the teams took to the field for the second-half. A calm start to the half was needed, but an early free-kick on the right-hand side was given to the visitors, and this rare opportunity was not wasted. A brilliantly low drilled cross was dispatched by the right-back, who was the most unlikely of sources as all he had done all game was commit foul throws with alarming regularity.

Lions then made a couple of substitutions, Luke Moore was brought into the attack and Gabriel Obertan on at left-midfield, whilst the love child of Andriy Voronin and Kerri Katona was moved to a more defensive role.

Dark cumulous clouds then ominously covered Barnes and strange things began to happen. Hooper was cautioned for dissent and Chris Harding made a slide tackle. The only thing left was for Andrew Rosman to score an overhead kick and then a black hole surely would have appeared in the centre circle.

Cubo then held strong during their toughest period, with goalkeeper Will Bianchi making some assured stops despite complaining with a back injury, which was clearly only aired to get Jones to rub Deep Heat sensually into those hard to get areas. Tett was also instrumental in keeping the score at 2-1, with some timely interceptions and key clearing headers. The 29-year-old, known for his beautiful teeth, had clearly put his first-half lovers’ tiff with teammate Rosman behind him.

Having endured and survived this onslaught, which included a disallowed goal, the Baby Blue boys began to carve openings with increasing ease. Brain, once again, found space, but this time opted to cut in on his left foot and whipped in a teasing cross which evaded both out-stretched strikers and hesitant defenders and found the far corner.

This was the cushion Cubo had been looking for and it led to a more relaxed performance over the last 25 minutes, where Griffith was only denied a brace from a superbly struck free-kick by an acrobatic goal-line clearance.

The last minutes were played out with ease by Cubo, and it was evident that everyone was thinking more about molten lava wedges and neatly triangled sandwiches and some solid pub bants.

Final Score: AFC Cubo 3rd XI 3-1 Battersea Lions

Man of the match: There were only two nominations with both Seb Brain and Gregg Tett receiving seven nominations each from the squad. So the deciding vote was cast by the ugliest member of Cubo – Ben Kilner – and he voted for Tett. Superb performances from both though.

Goals: Griffith, Lendrum, Brain

Yellow Card: Hooper

Match Report: Martin ‘Rob Jones’ Keown